The Zeppo and the Space Pirate
by Slinky-and-the-BloodyWands
Summary: A story told in a series of short scenes. Xander has always attracted women who don't fit the definition of normal. So, of course he finds the only available space pirate currently on Earth. Xander/Vala.
1. Not Just a Demon Magnet

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any rights to _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ or_ Stargate SG-1_.  
**Series Summary:** A story told in a series of short scenes. Xander has always attracted women who don't fit the definition of normal. So, of course he finds the only available space pirate currently on Earth.  
**Warning:** No graphic stuff, but alludes to sexual situations.  
**Author's notes:** Doesn't account for the Buffy comics, but it's set after season 7. SG-1 can be set any time after Vala's joined the team, at least for now.

* * *

**_The Zeppo and the Space Pirate_**

~A story told in a series of shorts.~

* * *

**Close Encounter 1: **

**"Not Just a Demon Magnet"**

~A man meets woman scenario, and its inevitable conclusion. Sorta.~**  
**

* * *

A steak and a beer, that's all he'd wanted. In general, Xander usually didn't take the time to enjoy such manly fare, but he was feeling particularly proud of himself after leading his small group of slayers out of a battle with a group of demons he'd fondly labeled as 'gooplins'. With the girls unscathed and headed back to the Denver base, Xander had stayed behind to check out a possible relic being stored in cozy Colorado Springs.

Well, at least, that was the excuse he was giving home base. The truth was, Xander was kinda missing his 'me' time. A little peace. A little quiet. A nice lonely night alone. Emphasis on the 'lone' part. That's all he wanted.

Which is why it was particularly amusing when the evening ended with him paired up, on the run, and nearly shot.

* * *

"Honestly, Xander, pestering isn't very attractive," she said.

Xander rolled over in the bed, his back crying out at the movement. The bandage across his side would have to be changed. Again. He ran his skinned knuckles across the cool sheet and frowned. "I'm not pestering, Vala," he said. And even he realized that he actually was doing just that.

Vala slipped out of bed, the scanty red teddy barely covering her backside. She wandered over to the hotel's small bar, looking over the expensive selection with a raised brow.

"I don't see what the big deal is," she said, selecting a tiny bottle of Tequila with a smile and slipping it into her bag. She turned back, cocking her head to one side and tossing the tangles out of her thick black hair.

Xander blinked. "You're an alien. That's kind of a big deal."

But his voice remained calm, despite his words. Because, truthfully? This wasn't the strangest bedfellow he'd woken up with. Still, it was different.

"Is it?" she asked, frowning. "You were fine with it a few hours ago."

Xander rolled his good eye. "I'm still fine with it."

"Well, then, why is it, I quote, 'a big deal'?"

"Because I'm starting to think you just used me for sex. Which is fine. I like being used, but you said we should go out, then you drop this bomb and tell me that you might not even be on the planet tomorrow." Xander huffed, sliding out of bed to join her. "I mean, I could care less what planet you're from, but if you wanted this to just be a one-time deal, you could have said that in the first place. I'm pretty damn certain you still would have gotten me into bed."

Vala ripped open a pack of peanuts and turned back to him, eyes wide. "Is that why you're so grumpy?" She snorted, amused, and wrapped an arm around his neck, pushing herself against his chest. "I'm going to be back, Xander. I go off-planet all the time."

Xander shook his head. "So…wait, you live on Earth? Like full-time? By choice?"

Vala smiled, looking up at him through her eyelashes. "I've discovered the planet has its perks."

He smiled back despite himself. "Then you're not using me?"

"Oh, I wouldn't say that." Vala tugged him back to the bed, dropping the nuts on the floor. She reached down, running a finger along the stretch of his boxers. "But I would like to use you repeatedly, if that's alright. Possibly again in a week, after a nice dinner." She paused mid-movement, looking up at him with a playful brow raised. "If you're still alright with the whole alien thing."

"I've dated stranger."

He bent down to press his mouth against hers, but pulled away after a moment. "I wonder if your friends noticed that I signed the thirteenth sheet of their disclosure contract as 'John Crichton'. Think they'll get a kick out of that?"

"Do shut up, Xander."

And she pushed him onto the mattress. Xander let her. He liked his ladies demanding. And older. And a little non-human-ish.

* * *

Xander drove away from Colorado Springs with a lopsided grin on his face. Sure, he wasn't certain what he was going to tell his friends about the two days he'd been missing, but he'd come up with something at least half-true. Sex and tequila. That excuse should fly, at least this time.

He heard his phone buzz as a text message was left, but ignored it. Probably his mini-slayers. Again.

The gang hadn't been this clingy since he'd went missing outside of Roswell for a week. Which reminded him of another question he really needed to ask Vala or her teammates next time he was in town. Well, at least this night of hot alien sex hadn't left a glowing handprint behind. That had much harder to hide from the gang than a few love bites.

When the cell rang again, Xander snatched it up, biting down the laughter in his voice, when he answered, "Oh, hey, Vi. Buffy's been trying to call me? Nope, no messages, guess something's wrong with my phone… Yeah, I'm fine... Me? Just the usual stuff..."


	2. Xander Harris is Cool

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any rights to _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ or_ Stargate SG-1_.  
**Series Summary:** A story told in a series of short scenes. Xander has always attracted women who don't fit the definition of normal. So, of course he finds the only available space pirate currently on Earth.  
**Warning:** No graphic stuff, but alludes to sexual situations.  
**Author's notes:** Doesn't account for the Buffy comics, but it's set after season 7. SG-1 can be set any time after Vala's joined the team, at least for now.

* * *

**_The Zeppo and the Space Pirate_**

~A story told in a series of shorts.~

* * *

**Close Encounter 2: **

**"Xander Harris is Cool"**

~So what if Vala is still in love with Daniel Jackson? Xander can handle it...maybe. Or maybe not.~

* * *

"_He that is not jealous is not in love._" - St. Augustine

* * *

It wasn't that they were serious. They weren't. In fact, some would argue that they were too casual. Less connected than "friends with benefits," but past their "one night stand" time stamp.

Xander thought he really didn't care what they "were." He wasn't so much a label guy, so he'd let her define their relationship. And since she wasn't so much a dictionary woman, that definition remained fairly…unformed.

"Yes, Xander, we have very fun sex. I like it quite a bit."

Which, what guy didn't like hearing that? Especially in that sexy accent she somehow managed, despite being from another planet.

But the thing was, they'd seen each other nine times over the past year. And though neither of them ever planned for the next get-together, it inevitably took place.

Except for this time. When it didn't.

"I have a thing," she said.

Xander nodded, pretending he knew what that actually meant. "Like a date thing?" he said. "You can have date things…We never said we couldn't have date things. I mean, it was stupid of me to just show up like, all assuming there was a lack of date things to be had."

Vala was silent a moment. "No. I don't have a date."

Her reply was what scared him. Because Xander got the impression she wasn't lying. Only, there was some omission there, in the answer, an unspoken "but." Xander knew what regret sounded like, and he could almost fill in the blank for her: "I don't have a date. But I wish I did."

Not with him, though. If she just wanted any date…well, here he was, in Colorado, all dashing and wearing a satin-y new eyepatch. No, Vala didn't want just any date.

There was a someone.

"Who?" Xander asked.

He expected her to play dumb. Avoid the question. Change the subject.

Instead, she leaned into the wall, her arms crossed over her chest. "Xander," she breathed, like it actually hurt. There was a wetness to her eyes that hadn't been there a moment ago. "Do you remember meeting Daniel?"

* * *

It wasn't so bad, being the other guy. Choice number two.

Xander figured it wouldn't change anything. After all, Vala wasn't his first choice. His true love. She hadn't popped his cherry, damn it. Vala was an acquaintance. One he liked to see naked. That was it.

So he listened, and smiled. Nodded. Said it was cool - he hoped to God it was still cool to say "it's cool." Not that she'd know it wasn't cool. Because, hello, he was kind of ahead of her in the pop-culture/urban dictionary/cool points area. At least in the Earth division.

The best way, he figured, to prove he was "cool" with her being in love with another guy and all was to offer her helpful suggestions.

"Hey, jealousy, it works," he noted.

And he'd offered to go with her to this barbeque that had her all worked up. A barbeque being thrown for Daniel Jackson's birthday. Dr. Daniel Jackson. Genius level space adventurer who killed false gods and negotiated peace treaties, that Dr. Daniel Jackson.

No reason to be intimidated, though. Because Xander was cool. Sure. And he was just doing his good naked-time friend a favor. Sure.

* * *

Xander made horrible first impressions. Which is why he was always confused when more people than expected ended up enjoying his company. Before he left Colorado, headed back to the Cleveland base, he'd gotten a half-dozen new phone numbers. Made a few new friends. Even scheduled a laser tag man-date with a big guy named Teal'c for the next time they were both sharing the same planet and all.

And, hell, he'd even hung out with Dr. Jackson. Her Dr. Jackson.

Mr. Friggin' Perfect.

Xander hated that he kind of liked the guy.

_Shit_.

* * *

Xander said he'd hold off. Xander said he'd put some distance between their meetings. Xander said a lot of crap that never held its weight:

"Damn it, Vala!" he snapped.

Because, seriously, who made a cross-country bootycall only to end up crying on said bootycall's shoulder most the night.

She looked up, a little surprised by the outrage in his voice. Her wide eyes blinked slowly up at him, making her look ten years younger than the make-up and cute pigtails ever did.

Xander stood up from the hotel bed, running a hand over his jaw, shaking his head in frustration. "I just don't get it," he said. Realizing he was still sounding more angry than confused, he forced himself to sit back down on the mattress. "How can you still love him? He left you, Vala. You offered him every damn thing and he walked away from it." Then he groaned and threw himself back. Half a second too late, he realized the whole slamming his spine against bedfluff thing was a bit too teenage girl. He really hoped Vala didn't make that comparison. A moment later, he felt the bed shift as she laid back as well, turning her head to look at him.

"I get it, I really do. You guys have shared a lot of time together. You owe him for the favors he's done you. You're close." Xander frowned. "And the guy might be able to speak thirty languages or whatever, but… He can't speak Vala."

"You can?" Her voice was low, almost lost.

Xander coughed out a laugh. "I happen to be very fluent in space pirate."

"Prove it."

Xander paused, brow raised, and rolled his head to the side. "Vala, if I thought asking you to be my girlfriend would actually work, if I thought for a second it would help you get over Daniel, then I would. I'd ask you to be mine. Just mine."

Vala pushed herself back up onto her elbows, staring down at him. "Are you asking me to be in a relationship with you?"

Xander snorted. "Only if the answer is yes. If the answer is no, that whole ramble was entirely hypothetical."

Vala's lip twitched, trying to hold back a grin. "Alright then. I suppose we could try it out. This dating thing. We still get to have gluttonous amounts of sex, though, right?"

"Sure, until we get married."

Vala leaned down, giving him a soft kiss on the lips before sitting up. Xander followed the movement, confused when he saw her move for her cell phone and press in a number.

"Calling for pizza?" he inquired.

She looked back, surprised. "Oh, no," she said, smiling, "I just need to ring Daniel up. Tell him his whole jealousy plan worked. He'll be delighted."

Xander's eye widened slightly, his jaw slack. "But…I…You…" He huffed. "That was tricky."

Vala tapped her chest with one finger. "Space pirate," she reminded.


	3. Omissions

******Series Summary:** A story told in a series of short scenes. Xander has always attracted women who don't fit the definition of normal. So, of course he finds the only available space pirate currently on Earth.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Stargate SG-1. Written for fun, not profit.

* * *

**_The Zeppo and the Space Pirate_**

~_A story told in a series of shorts_.~

* * *

**Close Encounter 3: **

**"Omissions"**

~_Xander hasn't so much lied about the fact that he's now dating an alien as not bring it up at all. But, hey, no one asked._~**  
**

* * *

Xander struggled to keep the towel up on his hips while shoving his bath products into the bag. His clothes were waiting, not-so-neatly folded across the arm of the hotel room's short sofa, but he refused to make the time to put them on right now. Nope, because he was going to prove how damn easy it was for him to get everything into one bag.

"Need any help?"

Xander shoved a dirty shirt into his duffel in a quick effort to keep his shaving kit from popping back out, before glimpsing up. Vala had her head down, acting as if she was more entertained by the cell phone in her hands—which, wasn't that his phone?—than his attempts to repack his bag. He knew better.

Earlier that morning, he'd spent a whole five minutes believing that she was sobbing over his decision to leave for Cleveland a day early. Then he'd realized she was laughing—apparently she'd just fully comprehended the Earth phrase, "you pack like a girl." Xander tried to defend himself, then realized he'd spent most of the last decade with girly girl packers teaching him their girl ways without him even knowing it. Damn. He'd really thought he'd gotten control of his luggage issues on that trip to Africa. Alas, no—that had probably been less due to his skillful packing and more due to the fact that he'd had all of his things stolen upon arrival.

In summary, Vala 1: Xander 0.

Trying not to let the strain show on his face, he leaned down onto the bag, forcing the zipper around. His toothbrush holder popped up out of the side panel like a Jack-in-the-Box. He could tell by the twitch of Vala's cheek that she was watching.

"Got it," he grunted, and collapsed onto the bed beside the bag.

It wasn't his fault really. He'd shown up in Colorado with the intent of spending two days horizontal with his naked-time friend, Vala, and had ended up staying two weeks instead, much to the chagrin of Robin Wood who was taking over his duties while he was on "vacation." Somehow Xander had managed to pick up more clothes for the stay, a few old books from Dr. Jackson, and a nifty looking statue of…something faintly humanoid from his new buddy Teal'c. Oh, and he'd ended up with a girlfriend.

An official girlfriend. Not just a person he met every couple of months for athletic sex and verbal sparring. A girlfriend. Alien girlfriend, if one wanted to get specific. He huffed out a chuckle at the thought.

"It's been two weeks."

Xander looked up, brow raised in question.

Vala pressed a button on his phone, scrolling through something. "Since we started dating," she elaborated.

"Is this the part where we have two week anniversary sex? Because I can make time for that before I leave…I mean, I'm already naked and everything."

She looked up, finding the response surprising. "Is that really a thing? Do people really celebrate a week mark in their relationships? And how is this 'anniversary sex' different from what we did two hours ago?"

_Ah, yes, the reason for the shower…_

Xander brightened. He loved being the Earthling in these cases. "It involves costumes. Usually chosen by the male participant. It's an Earth tradition."

"Huh." Vala considered it with a tilt of her head, like she wasn't quite buying it. "Well, if it's tradition... But, actually, our anniversary is not what I was talking about." She sat the phone down on the table and crossed the room, tossing herself onto the mattress beside him. "It's been two weeks since we started dating. You need to leave for work. I've got a planet to visit. But, we're going to see each other again in three weeks, correct?"

"That was the plan, why?"

"Well." She twirled a lock of her black hair around one finger, and as sweet as the move appeared, it worried Xander. It was the false-innocent kind of gesture she'd used the first day they'd met; that day had ended in bad guys with guns chasing them and a stack of nondisclosure forms. And sex. But that was beside the point… "I was just wondering," she went on, "if you're planning to tell your friends about us. That is, unless you're ashamed to be dating me."

Xander opened his mouth. Closed it again. Because his brain needed a minute to go back in time and relive every conversation they'd ever had about his work and his friends.

He'd mentioned them, sure; it was impossible to spend much time with someone without mentioning the Scooby Gang and Co. But, as unfair as it was that he knew about SG-1's secret alien-adventure fun-times and that Vala and her team didn't know about things that go bump and his relationship with killing said things, that was just the way things had turned out.

Vala's team had wanted to look into his background, of course, make sure he wasn't part of the secret organization they were having trouble with—which sounded so innocent when it wasn't accompanied by a hail of bullets—but all they'd managed to get was the bare minimum before they'd been stopped. Even Xander hadn't known that the old Watcher's Council had, despite their destruction, an apparently still in affect agreement with certain higher bodies of the US government—color him peeved to be not-in-the-know.

But, it had certainly been convenient that all the higher, err, high_est_-ups had only allowed the team to know that he was an operative for the ISO, which they believed to be an international man-for-hire operation… Yeah, so maybe they thought he was a no-nation spy. Not so far off base as far as the work/danger ratio went.

Vala had, to his ultimate shock, not tried to get more info from him. Apparently, the mystery made thing more interesting. For now.

But—there was always a _but_. But, when he'd first learned Vala's origin story, he'd decided not to bring up his little close encounter at the next Slayer Organization meeting. It had seemed like a good idea at the time—he'd figured he'd never get around to seeing Vala again, anyhow. She'd be part of his secret weirdo-weekend that never happened…

Only he _had_ come back to visit her. Several times. Over the past _year_. And he still hadn't told his friends and family, only partly because of the giant stack of paperwork threatening him with jail time…

"Are you having a stroke?"

Xander blinked to awareness. "What? No!" He put a hand to his forehead, as if he could somehow feel the occurrence—he wasn't, was he? Nope, just a good old fashion panic. He sat back up, planting a wobbling grin on his face. "Uh—yeah, I'll probably bring it up to my friends next time I see them. Not that we sit around talking about my relationship status. I mean, I'm a guy. Men don't do that locker room talk thing outside of the locker room, and I don't do locker rooms, or even visit a gym that often, so you can see how it maybe didn't come up that—"

"Xander."

"Sorry, sorry."

She smirked at him. "So, you haven't told them yet, but you'll probably tell them sometime over the next three weeks?" Vala supplied. "But not about the alien part, I'd imagine."

"Not unless they ask, and of course I'll tell them about _us."_ Xander gave her a light kiss on the forehead and hopped off the bed. "Why wouldn't I tell them?"

Her grin widened, something slightly devilish in her eyes. "Because you really don't have to, if you don't want to…"

Oh, no. Xander remembered this part of dating. That_,_ _that_ right there was a _trick. '_If you don't want to' was her way of saying, 'you better or else.' It was like a girl asking him what he'd said after he'd said something especially stupid—it was some small mercy, a chance for him to redeem himself. Xander might not have _officially_ dated much—or at all—over the past four years or so, but, as he'd told her once before, he spoke the language of _Vala_.

"I want to," he assured. "I will. Heck, the old gang will be begging me to shut up about you by the time three weeks is up."

* * *

Okay, so maybe he hadn't jumped right on the Let's Talk About Xander Express as soon as he'd arrived back to the Cleveland base. Mainly because he'd come back to find Robin Wood had left his oldest girls in charge in order to go help Faith and Vi, who were having a particularly hard time with a sewer alligator in NYC—no really, a sewer gator. Xander had merely shook his head.

Then he'd entered the Dormitory, aka the main warded housing base for temps, permanents, and guests of the ISO staying in the area of the Hellmouth.

To say a small tornado had been unleashed down the corridors was not an understatement. No, really. It wasn't. Because one Britney G. had caught one Sarah H. making out with one Brian T., who was one of Willow's visiting students, and Brian T. had assumed the best way to break two fighting slayers apart involved creating a small super-storm inside a building.

There were days when Xander wasn't so sure about the next generation of world-savers.

So, week one, he played the carpenter, the disappointed father figure, and the house maid.

* * *

Week two. On a Hellmouth, there was no such thing as a slow week, but Xander was starting to wonder if someone had opened the 'mouth while he was on vacation. Then he found out that, yes, actually, someone had opened the mouth while he was on vacation.

Apparently, Principal Wood had left Andrew to babysit the Hellmouth for a few days, and there had been an accident. Yeah.

* * *

On the third week, he rested. Mostly because of the concussion.

But, as the days began to pass, he started to remember that tiny bit of news he'd meant to pass on. It helped that Vala had sent him a particularly dirty limerick via text message—apparently, the art form could be found on other planets, too. He'd giggled for a good minute before realizing that a text message meant that she'd made it back to Earth safely and on time and that they were due to go watch the new _Slash Reeper_ action movie on Saturday.

Like a real dating couple, minus the romantic comedy.

It was at that moment that he remembered that he'd yet to tell a single one of his friends about his whole girlfriend situation. Not that he could really tell them much at all without telling them everything. But if he told them everything, then they'd probably realize he hadn't told them everything when he should have told them everything.

Oh, this would not be pretty.

Xander considered his options…He had a good list of excuses. At the top was the fact that he hadn't seen any of his friends lately, which was kind of a downer, but true. And the few times he'd talked to them over the phone, their conversations had been interrupted by trouble of the slayer variety. So, yeah, Vala would understand…

Sure.

God, he was so not getting laid this weekend.

* * *

Since he was flying out this time, and since he'd decided to Man-Up his packing, he had only a light carry-on bag slung over his shoulder as he headed out the door. He'd left Asma, a Nepali slayer with a shopping habit that rivaled Buffy and Dawn's combined, in charge of the Dormitory for the afternoon, until Robin arrived back. In theory, the place _should _remain safe until then. He turned, getting one last glimpse of the open foyer and saying a little prayer to the PTB that they'd allow it to stay standing over the weekend.

"Xander!"

"Umph!" Xander took the tackle to his center, relaxing a second later when he looked down to see long, highlighted hair he recognized. "Dawnie!" He returned the hug before pulling her away to get a look at her. "How's our little grad student? Kicked out already?"

Dawn gave him a playful punch, but her face was blushing with excitement. Xander could tell from the overall glow that she must have been doing great in her classes—of course, he had no doubt of that. Part watcher/part super student/part ass-kicker, Xander couldn't be prouder.

"You headed out?" she asked, pouting.

Xander hated letting her down. "Just for the weekend."

Her smile returned. "Awesome! I'm off all of next week—the professor I'm working with has a special project that needs his attention, so, yeah, I'm supposed to spend the time grading papers and doing research… Like I haven't already finished that. So, I'll see you Monday, then?"

"Pick me up from the airport?" At her nod, he smiled back. "See you then, kiddo—my ride's waiting. I gotta—"

"Oh—" She grabbed his arm before he could step out the doors. "Congrats on the girlfriend, by the way. We're all happy for you."

Xander froze in place, eye rolled up as he once again ran through the conversation. Had he mentioned…No. No, he hadn't. "When…How did you hear about…?"

"From Buffy, duh. You know, from when she called you a few weeks back—you were in the shower and your girlfriend picked up the phone. Buffy wanted me to tell you that Vala sounds great, by the way. Apparently they talked for like twenty minutes about your affection for stiletto heels."

Xander blinked. "Vala…Vala talked to Buffy?"

While he was in the shower. The day he'd left…she'd been playing with his phone and he'd—_shit_, she was sneaky! Why did he keep forgetting the space pirate part?

Xander let out a laugh. It must have sounded somewhat hysterical because Dawn frowned at him. "You having a stroke or something?"

He shook his head. "No, nope, not me. Just thinking about what I'm going to say to my wonderful girlfriend when I see her in the morning…"

"Huh, okay then…" Dawn lifted her brow, then she grinned. "She's not a demon or anything, right?"

Xander snorted, stepping out the door. "Nope. Just an alien."

Sure, he'd let her laugh for now.


	4. The Man Date

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Stargate SG-1. Written for fun, not profit.

* * *

**_The Zeppo and the Space Pirate_**

~_A story told in a series of shorts_.~

* * *

**Close Encounter 4:**

**"The Man-Date"**

_~Xander realizes that, while dating an alien is hard, dating your alien girlfriend's guyfriends is harder.~_

* * *

Dating was hard.

It really shouldn't have been, but it was. He'd had years of practice. He'd been on movie dates and dinner dates and slay dates; after learning many lessons, some of them repeatedly, Xander liked to think he wasn't particularly bad at being a boyfriend, either.

For the last year, he'd been making special trips nearly every month to Colorado to meet the same woman for a round of athletic sex and verbal sparring. And, she was an alien, so totally his type, though he'd not admit that to anyone, ever. With that in mind, he liked to think his personal date-failure had nothing to do with the girl in question.

In fact, all evidence pointed to how easy it would be to transition from casual naked-time fun to actual dating. Only it wasn't. It was hard. Mainly because he wasn't just dating Vala Mal Doran. He was dating her team.

* * *

Xander whistled a jaunty tune, laying the roses out on the hotel's luxurious gold bed-spread. Red roses were likely not Vala's favorite flower, however he knew her well enough that he was all but certain she'd be delighted to hear that she was taking part in the age-old Earth tradition of giving your hunny an overpriced dozen. And, Xander also knew that a delighted Vala equaled a Vala willing to try on the tiny little number he'd bought for her.

Yes, today was going to be a good day.

He grinned to himself, rather proud of the boyfriend points he was currently racking in, and then all but skipped to the small table, giving his cell phone an anxious glance.

Still no call.

He forced the smile to stay put. Okay, he was _not_ being stood up. So she was running a little late? So what? She traveled to other planets as her day job—there were plenty of reasons why she might not have had the chance to call or text him to announce she'd be a few min—_Mother Fletcher, _was it really already one in the afternoon?

She was officially two hours late.

The knock on the door sounded just before he went into panic mode. "I'm coming, and get used to hearing those wor—" His voice broke off when he glanced through the peep hole. That was not the face of a hot alien chick.

In fact, it was the face of a reasonably handsome alien dude.

Xander glanced down at himself. Shiny pink boxers were not the right look for this meeting, and since he'd been promised by Vala that no one would ever know he owned them, he jumped back from the door and scrambled into his jeans, answering a moment later.

"Uh, hey, big guy," he said, somewhat breathlessly.

Teal'c dipped his cap-covered head slightly, a small smile on his face. "It is good to see you again Xander Harris."

Xander leaned around him, spotting two other men virtually hiding behind the alien's hulking form, awkwardly shifting their weight as they waited. He raised his brow. "You're not Vala," he stated.

Colonel Cameron Mitchell and Dr. Daniel Jackson shared a glance with each other, as if neither of them wanted to reply, and then stared pointedly at the back of Teal'c skull.

Teal'c nodded once in confirmation. "Vala Mal Doran has been detained at Stargate Command."

"She's in quarantine," Daniel interrupted, and quickly raised his hand to ease Xander down from the building worry. "It's just for a possible fungal infection one of the other teams might have brought through. It's nothing very serious, but they're checking out everyone who was still there."

Xander released a breath. Then realized the men were still standing at the door. "Uh, thanks for letting me know…You could have just called though."

Again with the shared look. Cam—because Xander had determined at the barbeque where he'd met the rest of the team that he wasn't going to fall in line with that whole 'rankings' trend—gave a forced chuckle. "Uh, actually, Vala asked us if we might keep you company while she's out, since you traveled so far and all. She said we could, you know, catch a movie—that new _Slash Reeper_ looks good." Daniel shot him a glare. Cam backtracked. "Or just go for a steak and beer. The usual."

"You also agreed upon a game of laser tag," Teal'c reminded, solemnly.

Cam and Daniel winced but didn't disagree. And Xander couldn't either. Mostly because, yes, he _had _promised a laser tag man-date. Why had he promised that, again? Xander sometimes befuddled himself…

"So, just us guys then…hanging out?" Xander watched as they all smiled in reply. He suddenly felt a chill run down his back as he reinterpreted what was happening…Vala was their teammate. A close teammate of the trust-you-with-our-lives variety. And they were getting him alone this time. No burgers or girls to get in the way. How did he react when new guys dated his slayers? Interrogation, infiltration, initiation. And if the guy failed? _Oh, I'm dead_. He blanched. "Sounds like fun."

* * *

Xander was in pain. In fact, he was pretty certain he hadn't been in this much pain since the last time he was thrown into a wall by a nine foot tall slime demon in D.C. But, he refused to let it show on his face, and tried to lessen his hobble as well, as he followed behind Team Gryffindor, aka Cam and Teal'c.

Why Teal'c had insisted on the name theme, Xander was still not sure. What he was sure of was that a.) no one argued with Teal'c and b.) the man took his laser tag seriously. As was apparent by their current state and the fact that nightfall was already upon them.

Cam's new shiner almost made up for the amount of agony running from Xander's knee to his ankle. He smirked, proud of himself. However, Xander's own teammate was still not in the teasing mood.

"I don't want to be paired with the new guy again," Daniel announced.

Xander pouted. "Hey!"

Daniel only turned to face him, a brow raised, as if begging for an argument. The archeologist was sporting a split lip and a cut at his hairline that was still seeping a small amount of blood. Xander wanted to say, "That's what you get for naming us Team Ravenclaw." Instead he said, "I still say the twelve-year-olds on their team were on steroids—it's a good thing you had those spare glasses with you, after that boy scout knocked out your contact lens and all."

Daniel took a breath, as if trying to restrain himself. "Yes. Thank you for reminding me, Xander."

Xander shrugged. "Any time, Dr. J. Oh, and you've got a little—" He waved a hand at his hair. "Yeah, right there…and sorry about that. Completely forgot you were on my team for a minute there."

Daniel grimaced, pressing a fresh napkin against his head. "You know, you and Vala really are a match made in—"

"_Jackson_," Cam warned, biting down a chuckle.

"I was going to say _heaven_," Daniel replied, frowning.

Despite all injuries, and the good Doc's lackluster feelings toward laser tag, Xander was pretty sure he'd passed whatever test was being given. Now…now was time for beer. Beer of the good. Beer of the manly. Beer of the—_oh, shit, a vampire._

At ISO, The International Slayer's Organization, there was a big map that rated locations by their number of supernatural disturbances. Colorado Springs was listed as a virtual dead-zone for vamps. Xander would have to correct the girls when he got home.

Right there, sitting at the bar across from them, was a pale kid with a dazed, hungry grin on his face. Xander would have liked to have told the slayers who he'd helped train that he'd spotted his foe because the kid's outfit was dated or his reflection absent or his smell distinctly grave-yard-y. But, alas, no. Xander knew this vampire was a vampire because he'd graduated school with him.

Gumball Yardley—no, that was his real name—was one of those faceless grads who'd taken up arms in the battle with the Mayor. Unfortunately, he was also one of those faceless grads who'd been counted amongst the local law enforcement as having died by BBQ fork. Xander had thought they'd cleaned up the mess afterward, but, as Harmony had obviously escaped, they should have realized there might have been a few others slip through the cracks…Hence the appearance of Gumball.

Xander froze, realizing the vampire was staring his way…Only, as it appeared, Gumball hadn't recognized Xander. Xander was determined this was all the eye patch's fault—surely, he hadn't been so unknown in high school that a kid named Gumball hadn't remembered him, right? Right. Eye patch was to blame, plus a way better, almost unrecognizable physique—even if didn't seem very superior when he was getting clothes-hangered by an alien warrior with a fake gun.

Xander even tossed out a smile. No reaction. Gumball's eyes were glued on someone else. It appeared Dr. Daniel Jackson, and his bloody napkin, were getting pervy-eyed by the fanged foe. Which is why, considering what Vala had told him about Daniel's luck, it made perfect sense when Daniel glumly announced he was going to the bathroom to clean up.

Gumball must have heard because he slid to the end of his stool, ready to follow his supper outside.

"Me, too," Xander said, falling in behind him. "Gotta wash my hands."

"Uh…Okay…" Daniel shot a look over his shoulder. "Fine."

What was _not _awkward about following another man to the bathroom and pretending to take four minutes to wash one's hands while waiting for him to drain the lizard? Absolutely nothing.

"So, Vala…She's doing okay, minus the possible fungus problem?"

Daniel joined him at the sink, blinked twice at him, as if to ask if he were serious, then went back to the soap. "You know, you can just ask."

Xander, who'd been preoccupied with watching the door for vampire activity, shifted his attention quickly. "Say huh?"

Daniel sighed, drying off. "If she's mentioned you at work? If she seems genuinely interested in making your relationship last? If the commitment has caused her to panic? The answer to all of those questions is yes, by the way…"

Xander smiled. Then frowned when the last part sunk in. "She panicked?"

Daniel shook his head, amused. "If you know her well enough, you can tell…And, yes, she did. But, she restrained herself. No running away. No coming up with excuses. Which is why I think she's trying, Xander. It says much about her feelings toward you."

Xander wasn't blushing. No way. He was still red from that exhaustive final round of laser tag. "Really?"

"Really."

Xander stepped out, holding the door for Daniel to walk past him. Gumball was still there, looking peeved that he hadn't gotten his prey alone. Xander made a slow move for the flask of holy water he kept tucked inside his jacket, and then Gumball noticed him. And promptly made a run for it.

"Crap," Xander muttered, and darted past his table, toward the exit, at a dead run.

So much for not ditching his date(s).

* * *

Xander didn't try to hide his hobble when he stepped back through the restaurant, covered in ashes and grass stains, a patch of dandelions clinging to his hair. He slid into the booth beside Dr. Jackson, who was already enjoying a fried cheesecake, and pretended to be obvious of the blatant stares sent his way as he picked a wooden splinter out of his palm and then cut into his cold steak.

"Uh…Xander?"

He blinked, glimpsing up at Cam. "Hmm? Oh, that guy? Someone I knew from high school."

"No kidding." Cam eyed him warily. "You know you split your pants when you ran outta here, right?"

Xander ignored him, sipping on his watered-down beer instead.

Daniel cocked his head, looking down at the seat. "Huh. Are those the silk pink boxers Vala bought you?"

* * *

Xander's face hit the pillow-top mattress. He lay there a moment, still fully clothed, unsure if he'd actually closed the hotel room door behind him when he'd drug himself through it. It was late. Very late.

Somehow the_ Slash Reeper_ movie had run three hours, and afterward the guys had still been up for a somewhat fresher beer, partly to get Jackson drunk enough to forget about his obvious hate of cheap-thrills action films and partly as celebration. Because, yeah, Xander was right. There'd been a test somewhere in there, but he wasn't sure where. Maybe during the part where they'd asked him what it was like to date such an odd woman, and Xander had been honestly confused, as Vala wasn't really so odd (by comparison).

"Xander?"

He blinked, staring out at the room and just then realizing that he was crushing wilted flowers. Oh, and that there was a scantily clad woman laying with her back against the headrest and her bare legs in front his face.

With effort, he raised himself up onto his elbows. "Vala?"

She smiled brightly, bouncing with excitement against the bed springs. "Guess who was cleared from quarantine?"

He tried to grin, fairly certain he looked far drunker than he was. "Missed you," he muttered. "You okay?"

"Oh, it was awful," she groaned, waving a dramatic arm through the air. "I spent the entire day locked in a room. So _boring_. And now I have all this pent up energy. How about you crawl up here and help me get rid of it?"

Xander let his head drop again, groaning into the mattress. "I tired. Long date."

He felt the bed give as she dropped down beside him, planting a kiss on his cheek. "Oh, I know, dear. I figured you'd have a particularly fun, if trying, man-date…But, you know what they say?"

"What's that?"

"After a good date, you're _required_ to put-out."

Xander glanced up. "Say you're joking?"

Vala shook her head, a sage expression on her face. "Nope. It's an Earth tradition, and I know you're a stickler for those..." She leaned in close. "Now, drop your pants and entertain me."

"Dating is hard."


	5. Oh High Oh

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Buffy the Vampire Slayer or Stargate SG-1. Written for fun, not profit.

**Author's Notes: **

* * *

**_The Zeppo and the Space Pirate_**

~_A story told in a series of shorts_.~

* * *

**Close Encounter 5:**

**"Oh-High-Oh"**

_~In which Xander and Vala take a road trip, and Xander attempts to pop the question. No, not __that_ question, the important one: Do you believe in vampires?~

* * *

"I think we're being tailed."

"We're not being tailed."

"You've been tailed before. You have a nice tail, so I don't blame them for tailing your tail, but I don't want to be tailed. And if anyone tries to take your most excellent tail from me, I'm going to have to kick their tailing tail."

"Xander. Dearest. We're not being tailed. Do you want to know why we're not being tailed?" She didn't give him time to answer. "Because it's 4a.m. and even the worse villains don't wake up before six, even to kidnap and torture their enemies. I know this from experience. Now eat a Twinkie, and do shut up."

"Twinkies for breakfast?" Xander took his eyes off the road a minute, shooting her a glance. He smiled slowly, unable to contain his excitement. Sure, there were five boxes of snack cakes in the backseat, but still…Vala, half asleep and her pigtails askew from the pillow propped against her headrest and window, shoved one whole cake into her mouth. "See, this is why you're the girl for me," he said, in awe. "Twinkie me."

She peeled the wrapper off one and stuck in his mouth. "There. If I weren't so tired, this would be kind of kinky."

He pretended not to choke, too enthusiastic to be stopped by cake alone. Through a mouthful of cream, he announced, "And so begins our first roadtrip as a couple."

Vala wiped the sleep out of her eyes. "I couldn't be more thrilled to be spending my R&R time with you, Xander." She paused to yawn. "But, couldn't we have slept in? You already said this trip will take us a few days."

Xander rolled his good eye. "I thought you said that you wanted a _real_ roadtrip—you can't have a family-style vacation without leaving at an un-godly hour in the morning."

She sighed. "I know, I know—and one must also load up on junk food and play unfortunate music…I recall. I can't believe you flew all the way to Colorado from Ohio just to drive me back to Ohio. It's really rather sweet."

Xander's cheek flushed. "Hey, I wanted to. This'll be fun. A non-deadly adventure."

Of course, he didn't tell her his real reason for wanting to extend their journey to Cleveland…It was time to pop the question. The important one. The one that went something along the lines of, _"Vala, do you believe in vampires?"_ Xander sucked in a nervous breath just thinking about it. This could go so many different kinds of wrong.

She could call him crazy. She could break up with him. She could actually believe him and report the threat to the SGC, and as he knew from experience, well-meaning military types could turn into your evil-arch-nemesis when it came to interfering with the lives of slayers and demons…Yeah, this could get messy. It would probably be better for everyone if he just kept his mouth shut.

Only.

This was Vala.

They'd been seeing each other for over a year. Actually dating, long distance style, for several months now. And, in all that time, she'd been satisfied with thinking he was some kind of multi-national spy-for-hire for the secret organization known mysteriously as the "ISO." Meanwhile, he'd learned about aliens and the Stargate and his alien girlfriend who came through a Stargate. It wasn't fair, the whole not sharing info thing. But that wasn't the main reason he wanted to tell her.

If she was just another girl he was dating, he wouldn't even try. But he cared about Vala, and in a year from now, he wanted to be right where he was, crammed in a rental car eating Twinkies with the woman.

"Are you constipated?" Vala asked.

Xander blinked. "Huh?"

"There's a doctor I heard on the television—"

"My bowels are great," Xander interrupted. He gave her a crooked grin. "I was just thinking about something, that's all…" Clearing his throat, he wriggled in his seat, trying to find comfort. And failing. "First up on the mini-couple's-roadtrip extravaganza…Nebraska."

* * *

"We should destroy Nebraska."

Xander raised a brow. "That's a bit harsh."

"It's so _boring_," Vala said, as if that were justification enough.

She was currently contorted in the front seat, her back against the door, her legs on the lowered back of the seat. Xander was certain he was going to get a ticket, but he didn't have the heart to tell her to sit up straight. Boredom was an event in the Torture Olympics for Vala.

"And you're the one who wanted to go through Kansas…" Xander huffed. "If you think _this_ is boring, you should cross the entirety of that state. You'll start poking things into your eyes just so that you can pretend to see a different landscape."

"I didn't _want_ to go through Kansas—I simply said that if we took that route, we could drop Cam off at his family's house…but he decided he'd leave early. You don't think he did that on purpose, do you? So that he wouldn't have to ride with us?"

"Pretty sure of it, actually." Xander's goofy grin widened. "Probably afraid of what I might tell his mother."

"About that night with the Jell-O shots? When you went out with the boys again?" Vala raised a brow. She was wearing her sneaky face. Xander knew he would be defeated by the sneaky face. It wasn't worth resisting. "What exactly happened? Cam and Daniel weren't speaking for a week after that night." She shifted positions, her breath hot on his neck. "You can tell me. I can keep a secret."

"Bro-code," he managed, and squeaked when her hand slid over his thigh.

"_Mmm_," Vala purred against him. "You know, as a formal criminal, I've very experienced in getting men to talk… However, I find it works best to simply offer a reward for information."

"I swore…" Xander let his voice trail off as she popped her top button. "It involved macaroons and a co-ed's cleavage."

"Good boy." Another button. "And?"

"And Cam might have played a game of pool with a _very_ friendly biker gang." Another button. "A friendly biker gang whose leader thought Daniel was pretty." Her fingers squeezed his leg tighter and slid north. "And he might have promised Daniel to them if he lost the game. The good news is, Cam won. The bad news is Daniel found out about the wager."

Vala found the information satisfactory for blackmail. Xander pulled off the highway to receive his pay-off. Nebraska, it appeared, would take longer to cross than he'd originally intended.

* * *

"Wouldn't you rather see the world's largest wooden nickel?" Xander asked, unable to stop the slight whine in his voice. "It's not shiny, but it's a nickel."

Vala frowned. "No, no, no—you chose the last tourist stop. I get this one."

"_Pfft_—you wanted to go to the Kool-Aid museum, which, as fun as that sounds, was nothing compared to 'Johnson's Museum of the Odd.' You're always trying to define what it means to be an Earthling, well, there's nothing more Earthling, or American, than a guy who collects a bunch of random junk and organizes it so he can invite strangers into his home." Xander took a breath, certain he'd made his point. "And, plus, that was back in Nebraska. New state, new round."

"Take a right, Alexander Harris, or so help me, I will shove that nickel so far up your—"

Xander cut his wheels into the merging lane, shooting her a sideways glance as he obeyed. She grinned, clapping her hands together in excitement.

"Was that so hard?" she asked. "Now we get to see a beautiful sculpture, after all. Granted, it's not made of butter…" She still looked disappointed at that…It wasn't Xander's fault the butter sculpture of the Last Supper wasn't on display at the moment. Maybe someone ate it or something. "But this one certainly looks magnificent in the travel guide."

Xander realized he should never have let her out at the rest-stop. She'd returned with a stack of pamphlets and flyers and a declaration that she knew exactly where they'd be stopping on their way back through. At this rate, they'd never actually reach Cleveland in the first place.

He sighed, put out as he saw the sign for the cemetery in the distance. He couldn't believe it. On vacation and he was stopping at a graveyard. At dusk.

Xander knew his luck. They were going to be attacked by a horde of demons. No doubt about it.

Vala was already out of the car before he could even park it. He followed, dragging his feet. Okay, so she was right. The statue of the Black Angel, looming high, its head and wings downturned to the gravesite, was probably gorgeous, and he'd probably want to see it if he hadn't spent most of his teen years in cemeteries staring at smaller versions. On the plus side, if a vampire tackled them, he would have a much easier time telling her about things that go bump in the night.

Yeah. Glass half full.

"Come on, Xander!" she snapped. "If you don't hurry up, I'm going to beat you there. Then I'm going to kiss it, and I'll probably drop dead, as apparently it's cursed."

Cursed? Seriously? Xander shot off after her, silently apologizing to the graves in his way. "Vala! Don't kiss any angels or no sex for a month!"

* * *

"You know, Earth history isn't nearly as boring as Daniel would lead one to believe," Vala mused, enjoying her ice cream cone.

"See, I told you you'd love the Chicago Field Museum. Lots of shiny gems and stuffed tigers…And they don't really force you to read all the signs and actually learn stuff. I've taken a couple of the girls here before." Xander leaned forward, kissing a drop of cream off of her nose. She blinked up at him, surprised. He shrugged it off. "That's for not stealing anything."

Vala smirked instead of denying the temptation and skipped down the stone steps in front of the museum. "I'm not allowed, unfortunately. If I'm caught, I'll be sent to Area 51 and locked in a cell—" His eye widened, and she rolled hers in reply. "I'm kidding…mostly. But, I'll admit, I haven't been able to resist the urge this entire time."

Xander caught up beside her, his voice lowered. "Oh, please tell me you didn't."

Vala shrugged her shoulders. "What can I say? Once a space pirate, always a space pirate." She pulled her fist out of her jacket pocket and held it out to him. With some trepidation, Xander took the item. He was almost afraid to look down at it, but, when he did, he chuckled in surprise. In his palm sat a tiny plastic blue figure in a white dress.

"It's Smurfette!"

Vala smiled proudly. "I knew you'd like her. But, if you want, we can return her to her Smurf family at the Museum of the Odd—"

"No!" Xander gave a crooked grin, ignoring the glances from a group of school children. He scratched the back of his neck. "I mean, that guy's got like ten…We're really doing him a favor if we keep it, I guess."

Vala looked rather proud of herself as she looped her arm into his, leading him down to the sidewalk. "Am I correct in saying our next stop, after we partake in this 'deep-dish pizza' of yours, will be Cleveland? I must say, I'm somewhat nervous about meeting your family."

Xander pulled his arm free so he could wrap it around her. He couldn't remember ever calling his girls, and the Scoobs, his family, at least not in front of her, but there were just some things that were easy to pick up on. Especially for space pirates, apparently.

"Don't be," he assured. "You'll fit in just fine."

"You see, that's what worries me."

* * *

Being that it was the most active Hellmouth still in existence in the United States, all the founding members, AKA the Scoobies, visited the slayer "school" there at some point throughout the year. Rarely did they get the chance to all visit at once outside of Christmas. So, Xander knew it was going to be a treat just to have his girls meeting his girl.

Only, at the moment, his stomach was doing backflips and forwardflips and maybe a little shimmy to the side, too.

He hadn't told Vala yet.

It wasn't necessary to tell her before he arrived. If the slayers determined she should be in on it, they'd give her the History 101 presentation. But, that wasn't an issue. They'd even went so far as to assure Xander that the west wing of the school would be all but empty of things that might "give his girlfriend the wiggins," as Dawn had told him.

So it wasn't necessary to tell. And maybe it wasn't his even his place. But Xander couldn't stop himself. He eased the rental car to a stop just in front of the gates to the Cleveland Summers Academy.

"We should talk," he said.

There was some awkwardness. Sedans didn't make for the best face-to-face conversations. He slid out his door and circled around. Vala joined him a moment later, worry etched across her face. But, for once, she remained silent.

"There's something I need to tell you. And I know this probably isn't the best place to do it, but I just can't put it off any longer…" Xander reached out, cupping her hands in his. "Vala, I…"

She stared at him, her soft smile trying to make the moment easier for him. Other people didn't know this Vala. She was brash, and loud, and clever. She was overtly sexual, extremely dangerous, and always playful… That was all easy to spot. But they didn't know t_his_ woman. Not the way he did. They didn't know what a heart she had in her.

"I love you," he said.

Vala reached up, pressing her palm against his cheek, then leaned in for a gentle kiss. "I love you, too, Xander Harris."

She let her lips slip down and chuckled quietly against his neck. "For a moment there, I thought you were going to make some elaborate confession."

"No kidding?" Xander swallowed. "Why would you think that?"

Vala wrapped her arms around him, hugging the chill from his limbs. "Oh, mostly because we're two hundred yards from our destination, and you still haven't told me about vampires. I thought you would have folded by now."

Xander decided right then and there to never let Vala and Buffy talk on the phone ever again.

* * *

**END NOTES:** Okay, I purposely left that last line a bit open ended, because, as you probably know, there will be more stories in this series. Hope you liked this one. Thank you for all your kind reviews and comments both here and at LJ/TTH. However, please, no more real life dating advice. I honestly don't care if you'd never date a girl who wanted you to hang out with her friends. (_Personally, as a twenty-five-year-old woman, **I'd** never date a guy who couldn't hang out with my best friends for one day, doubly-so if those friends literally saved my life on a weekly basis.)_ This is written for comedic purposes to highlight the more light-hearted aspects of Xander and Vala's dating lives, with very brief vacations into serious territory. So don't stress, just enjoy the ride.


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